Feelings suck!

Lately I have been feeling really down and out. There is alot of hurt built up inside me right now. I'd rather not get into the main reason at the moment, but its mostly because of epilepsy.

I hate it! I feel like I have lost so much because of it. I have lost friends and independance. I cant drive, I cant take a bath while home alone. I'm afraid to do anything without my fiancee or someone who knows what to do if I have a seizure. Im scared to embarras myself in public.

I know that epilepsy shouldnt be an embarrasment. Its something that I cannot help. I cant just stop seizuring. If I could, I wouldnt have epilepsy. What embarrases me is the weird noises I make, the drool, the strange actions, the convulsing, the postictal state. Having people stare at you when your in a vulnerable state really bothers me. Before E, I was never vulnerable. I had no fear, I was never embarrased, because the things I did were on purpose, or by accident but essentially I had control over what I was doing. Now I dont.

I am hurting so bad inside. I want to do nothing but cry and hide in my room under the covers. I want to be me again. I want these damn seizures to stop. But I dont know how to make them stop, or at least slow down. I have no medical help behind me. One neuro said it was frontal lobe, but it was too difficult a case for him to handle as I was allergic to his drugs of choice. So he reffered me to another one who then said it was all in my head and I have a mental illness. He told me to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist then told me that i did not have any underlying mental illness that was present before the seizures *at this point I just have depression* and that I didnt need to see him as he didnt think this was a stress issue.

I am 22 years old. I want to start thinking about having kids soon, but I cannot bring myself to get pregnant without my seizures under control or a neurologists help.

Im so lost right now