Saturday 14 April 2012

Update

So I havent updated this in a long time. I tried to stay away and not think about anything seizure related too much.

I still have no neuro, no psychiatrist (the one I saw 3 times total said I didnt need him) and no GP that is helping anymore. My last GP was helping, but when our hunches didnt seem to go anywhere he basically decided he was bored or fed up with trying.

Before my last appointment with him he wanted to check me for long QTS? not even sure what that is, but its something with the beating of your heart that causes seizures and fainting etc. But again, this went nowhere.

So pretty much I am stuck here. doing nothing. Waiting for a seizure that lands me back in the ICU or the morgue. And then someone will listen, but by then its too late. So should that happen, I want everyone I know to essentially harras the people involved who stood around and did nothing but watch me die. because thats what Im doing right now. waiting to die.

I have no desire to go to school, or get a better job, or even have a better home life because I just keep thinking "Whats the point, if my several seizures dont ruin it for me, then me dying from one will" I want a family, but dont want to risk disabling my child while pregnant because of seizures. or emotionally scarring my fiance because my seizures have killed our unborn child. Or worse, having a child and then dying from a seizure and leaving him all alone to raise it.

Feeling like a failure with each letter I write in this blog. I feel like I should be fighting more, but at the same time I am exhausted from being silent and nobody even caring what happens to me. I wont lie, there are times where I feel I should just kill myself, instead of waiting for a seizure to do it for me. Somehow I feel that would be less traumatic for family and friends.

*sigh*

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